Flying Without Wings
We all have scars... We've all fought battles and I'm sure like myself you won a few but are still fighting some. I started blogging via MySpace in 2005, I was young, immature and would just spill all my guts! From my relationship issues to negativity to just everything I was thinking. I was 18, emotional, reckless and not even wanting to live for Jesus in anyway shape or form. I'd grown up in church, I was very bitter and anti-church to the core of my heart. Only time I attended was when I was asked or on special occasions. I was young with no filter just a passion to do what I'd been doing since age 11 and that was write to poetry and lyrics.
When the MySpace era started to phase out I jumped back and forth between there and my Facebook "Notes" platform. I wrote there for years until I decided to finally start an official blog series on 8/16/11 called "Hello World." Needless to say nobody was reading but my mom and a couple friends so I got discouraged after about 7 post and started another series called "New Phase." I'd been through somethings at this point, loved, lost, had given my heart to Christ and slipped away. I probably did about 8 or 9 post here or there and got bored. This went on for a couple years with "Gods Girl" and "Round 2" until August of 2014. I needed to be secure, steady and stop jumping back in forth in life and my writing. About a month prior to me creating White Boots 101, God gave me the title for my book "Inner Selfie" and I needed a clean slate to start on. Sadly I came into this with the same mindset as I had with all my other blogs and I didn't plan on sticking around long because I didn't truly believe anyone would read my stuff.
A couple months went by and I had a little following so I kept going, I released my book 6 months later and just started posting here a couple times a month. I looked up and a year had passed, my cousins were supporting me. I had friends who would tell me I love reading your blog and I decided to make it official. I'd never really felt confident enough to invest in a domain or secure anything financially because I honestly didn't think anyone cared about my feelings or me spilling my heart out on a page. My book sales were weak, I was jobless and just really depressed so I wrote about these things and every once in awhile I'd get an encouraging inbox message or a text with a scripture. I want to say it was around April of 2015 that I just really checked out mentally for like a month I didn't do anything but lay in the dark and cry. I had nothing to put on paper, I had writers block and everyone I knew had bought my book so the sales stopped. I was so angry with God and felt like he'd failed me and just left me out in the cold. My life has been this rollercoaster of emotions, good intentions, good ideas and many failures but I'd never just stopped. I heard the Holy Spirit say keep going and I felt like I was literally fighting to stay alive everyday. I was battling suicidal thoughts, depression all while helping to lead a group of women I met with monthly for bible study, outings and fellowship. I don't think anyone outside of my home knew the depth of that I was going through. I was having to struggle to pay my portion of bills and rent, I lost one job after another and I was just so broken. I was in a perfect position for God to mode and build yet I couldn't quite see that.
I was home free for a few months, I was employed, able to get on my feet, purchase a new computer and things were looking up financially. Working 10 hours days once again in a field and place I wasn't fond of but I was fighting that old familiar feeling, I was going to be "alright" and I could breathe. Here we go again, this isn't the right fit for you, please hand in your badge and exit building **Charlie Brown teacher voice** a little money in my pocket, a lot of faith but told not eligible for unemployment. I was just barely putting a dent in the debt I was trying to climb out of only to be brought back to this place again. I find myself just sitting at the feet of Jesus with my whole life before me, plans to move to a new city and state on the horizon. I find myself sharing all my highs and lows with YOU! I don't know who you all are, I don't know who reads this, I don't know who shares this but I know God sees my heart and I have nights like this where a million ideas are forming and I'm rushing to get them OUT! The other night I asked God for a sign of what to do next... The next night I was filling out mediocre apps on a brand new, fully charged computer when the window closed randomly. I literally laughed out loud (it was 3 am and I was already sleep deprived and delirious) and just shut the whole thing down. A nice man via Twitter asked me to be a guest on his podcast this week, featured one of my post on his website. I spent my morning tweeting and emailing a beautiful young woman named Geneveive Jackson (yes Michael Jackson's niece) who has this amazing, uplifting women's movement and will be sharing my story on her website soon. Nobody is sending me checks (I know those will come, I trust God to make me financially secure) but doors are opening so that I can share what God has placed on my heart! I am certainly flying without wings, I do not have a formal education in "life coaching" or counseling. I do not have any gimmicks, connections or even a specific plan but I have this deep love for Jesus!
I'd like to share this journey with you, your sisters and friends so if you have something launching let me know so that I can share it!! God is faithful and he's got such an awesome plan for YOUR life!! Until next time. CDJ <3