Recently I found myself almost feeling like I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't competitive enough and if you know me you know I'm not competitive. I despise competition in the kingdom of God, I despise jealousy and maliciousness so the enemy was really trying it! I woke up in the middle of the night and just started repeating these scriptures to myself: “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalms 139:13-16 NLT
Lately I have slacked in my time with him and I realized that I have to be consistent and connected at all times because those thoughts, those emotions are alligned with an ungodly mindset and mentality. God doesn't plant feelings of insecurity, lack or make you feel less than. We have to check those thoughts immediately to avoid negative seeds being planted and becoming rooted in our hearts. I was in a situation recently where my character was attacked on every hand and it was only for a second that I let the words of people who barely know me destroy my ego. The people who know and spend the most time with you usually know your heart, your stances and what you're passionate about. Have you noticed that the people who know the least about you seem to have the MOST to say? They often have the most elaborate and detailed opinions about you that they've formed in their minds because they haven't been able to get close enough to REALLY know who you are. Social media for instance is a platform I use to share my thoughts and emotions (believe it or not there's a lot that I hold back) because I've been blessed many times when I've connected or had heart to hearts with others. Everybody struggles and I think we often forget that. Lets repeat that: EVERYBODY STRUGGLES!! In some compacity or another we all have struggles.
Well after praying, giving God my insecurity the enemy continued fighting me and he started throwing thoughts like everyone has a blog, every girl or woman is doing this or that blah blah (he isn't allowed to PLANT, I set up TSA in my mind so fast and he can't make it past the metal detectors.) I cancelled that dumb assignment that was meant to make me give up on what God has given me. Lately my life has been a series of heartbreaks, drama and unexpected madness that would cause many to just be like life isn't worth it. Although I struggled with those thoughts in the past I'm quick to give them to the lord these days! I started to think about how many of us probably are struggling in silence. You're watching other women get blessed with the desires of your heart and secretly trying not to be jealous right? Marriage and family may be a big desire of yours (it is a desire of mine but not a major one) and you are just tired of being alone! This is the most common issue for many women my age and they feel like there's this clock ticking loudly. Do not let that clock cause you to settle down with an ungodly man! The enemy can present an image that looks like everything you want if you aren't setting up TSA (airport security) in your mind and capturing those lonely thoughts.
I find myself laughing and shaking my head at some of my old post over the years because I have changed so much. I just wanted people to like me and to accept me. I always say that I have always marched to the beat of my own drun and my own song because I've never fit in. I realize now as a grown woman that fitting in is overrated and my heart hurts for adults still jumping hoops to please insignificant people. Why does their opinion matter? When we get in allignment and relationship with Christ all that petty competition and impressing people stuff goes out the window. You won't spend time shouting out haters, writing subliminal posts which I've been accused of doing but let me break it down! Many times the lord will place something on my heart, he will convict me to my core and in turn I will share it in a status because I'm not the only one struggling. When I do this I just post, I won't even scroll through the timeline and so many times I'll get a inbox message or a comment saying that was for me. I've even received angry responses asking was I sub posting which confuses me because if you didn't tell me your issue how would I know? If I did know the issue I'd NEVER put somebody on blast.
Last night I was tweeting and the lord was just speaking to me heavy... But I didn't share to Facebook because I didn't feel led and the people on their are less receptive, more sensitive and love to argue. I'm learning that everything isn't for everyone and to share as the lord leads and not out of my emotions. I just had so much that I needed to get off of my heart today and wanted to share it with YOU because I understand that we are all struggling in some way or another. Let's really pray for each other! Let's lay the petty competition aside and really seek God together. I love you and Jesus does too!!