Fear/Shaky Ground

I was reading my devotional today and this scripture gave me so much peace.

If you read my posts or follow me on social media you know that I'm very open with certain areas of my life, especially with my journey over the past 5 years. I recently moved back to my hometown after living 2 hrs away for the past 4 years and although it wasn't my plan I know that God has a reason. Some people might say two hours away isn't really a big deal but there is a vast cultural difference in Indianapolis compared to my hometown. It's a much bigger city with many different walks of life, there's a different mindset and people are a lot more open minded. I didn't like the coldness I felt amongst people, I didn't like the distance or time it took to get certain places but I know that God sent me there for a season to grow up.

 A friend of mine recently said I can't imagine how it feels to have been gone for nearly 4 years and have to come back here. Thing is I had a choice, I could have stayed with my sister awhile but I felt I needed to come back here for awhile to get my head together. The past couple years I've been in and out of work while balancing my writing career, searching for self and getting to know God minus traditions, my safe "bubble" and everything I knew. I've lost jobs, friends and all that felt safe to me which led me closer to God in ways. I have been looking back over the past 5 years even though my journey goes so much further back. I'm focused on that time and space because at 24 I found my safe haven in a ministry that promoted purity, I spent my over zealous years connected to other women who were in a place or in a season of newness like me. Many of us had grown up in church yet so much was new to us, others had just found God and were looking for a foundation to tether to. It was good, it was foundational and taught us how to seek Christ for ourselves. I didn't quite understand at the time that some places, ministries and even relationships are seasonal. I wanted to stay there, I wanted to stay in the safeness of monthly meetings with my "sisters" and I wanted to always have that connection. I wanted to stay in that season where God was speaking loudly, transforming our hearts and our faith was intact! I wanted so badly to always have my circle of friends that I'd become so dependent on.

When I started to change and God started to shift I found myself alone... I found that everyone and everything I knew was also changing. Too often we look at change in a negative way but we can't grow without change and in order to get to the next phase God has to shift us and our surroundings. I'd been taught how to walk with him so it was time to put what I learned into action. I stepped down from  leading monthly meetings, I got quiet before God and started to see myself and some things he showed me about myself were difficult to accept. I've been tranformed in so many ways over the past year alone. I've changed emotionally, spiritually and even outwardly which isn't an exaggeration. I once read a quote that said when a woman changes her hair she's about to change her life. I literally cut off all my hair down to a fade (Britney Spears moment) which was unusual for me because I was faithful to my chemically processed, straight, wrapped hair but I literally felt such a freedom when I cut it. It may seen symbolic or maybe even silly to some but it was the beginning of my new walk.

I had to walk away from everything I knew, everything that felt safe (even my hair) and be stripped of pride. I am a pro/con list person, I'm a vision board, list maker and I like to have things planned out so when God stripped me of my plans, ideas and notions I felt lost. This new season I've had so much fear running through my mind but I'm learning to cast my cares on the one who makes the ultimate list because I know that he'd never forsake me.-  CDJ❤️