A Year In The Life

Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it will be a year this week since my grandfather was home... he had to go to the hospital the night of his birthday because of the heart attack he was unaware he was having. He went into surgery a few days later... Was completely able to communicate, complain about wanting to go home... then the strokes back to back. It all happened so fast, live life to the fullest because it all happens so fast! 
Life events happen so fast. I know that this past year I’ve been needed. I spent endless nights watching my grandma sleep whenever they made her come home from sitting w/ him hospice to rest. I watched this house literally fall apart due to flooding twice, I was here when she fell down a flight of stairs... camped out while she had the flu. I know that my entire family needed me so I’m no longer confused about the detour and why I didn’t make it to Charlotte yet. Even on days when I don’t understand God’s plan for my life or when I feel forgotten I realize that there is still a plan! I’m no longer confused about the 30 plus job rejections I’ve received since I moved back home... I survived the first 9 months here without asking for a dime which my Grandma was really confused about. I somehow managed. God has a purpose and he hasn’t left me. I’m not confused about the connections I’ve made with the new church I just joined, the old friendships that have been rekindled or the people who have been a blessing over the past year. Charlotte will always be there and if it’s meant to be it will be. Wherever God leads me I will be more than alright... anxiety has attacked me a lot over the past year, illness has worried me and caused me to question my faith, God and his very existence. 
He hasn’t left me, he’s still here. I’ve been angry, I’ve been wrestling with an old, familiar demon called “bitterness” but I’ve come to the conclusion that God has so much in store that he had to give me a year of consecutive losses so that I can embrace the next season of consecutive wins! I’m grateful, I’m thankful that I haven’t gone completely mad in the past year because there are moments I want to just check out which is what I typically do when depression comes. I literally have moments, years I don’t remember everything because that is my coping mechanism. I haven’t had time to check out mentally over the past year, to give up or give in and I believe it’s been God’s way of strengthening me. At this point in life there is NOTHING that I can’t handle or face.- Cdj❤️


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