Heart Spill

I’ve fought wars and battles most won’t even ever hear about... I’ve seen some of the darkest, coldest and loneliest days in my young life to the extent of two failed suicide attempts. So to tell me that God doesn’t have a purpose for my life would be like talking to a brick wall because it’s evident that I belong here. I write from the heart... I don’t ask permission from anyone but the leading of the Holy Spirit, I write out how I feel. By now you know my view of life, my battle and view of men in authority, you know just about every detail of my life! This is my platform, this is how I’ve connected with so many broken and lost people in this world for nearly 4 years now. I’m in such a place of inner peace/tranquility, naturally the enemy has tried to disturb that over the past few weeks by rehashing childhood trauma that I’ve fought so hard to escape. I feel like I’ve literally been in therapy with God over the past decade, gotten to a place where I’ve made peace with the dysfunction that is my immediate family and the enemy doesn’t like that. I’m whole, at 30 I’m whole, I’m secure and I’m wanted! Rejection was the running theme of my life twice over (not by my mother, my mother was and is a good mother) but by the men in my life who were suppose to be father figures. I battled with insecurity because of them, verbally neither was kind. I’m pretty tough or as my grandma says “hard” and I’m a puzzle because I’ll cry with you, cry to worship music, church etc but words roll off my back like water on a duck. I’m not moved by opinions, peoples perception of me or view of me. 

I’ve taken on so much emotionally to the point that my health begin to fail me in certain areas that are normal to many African Americans my age apparently but I refuse to let diabetes/high blood pressure be the fore runner for my future. I changed my life completely 6 months ago, I changed my diet and started practicing yoga a few times a week. That might explain the tranquil state I’m in, or the reason the enemy wants to rock my peace lately. I wrote a new book last year, I just joined a new church, I started my writing services business and that’s progress! Everyone knows the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy but I refuse to entertain him. The lies people have told on me the past few years, the drama that I worked so hard to block has come in ways that should’ve had me just check into a mental hospital (I’ve contemplated at times) the deception, the fact that I work really hard to only put good out into the atmosphere only to have had my character distorted a few times only makes me go harder. I’m the type of person who has learned that God is my defender and that I don’t have to entertain the lies of the enemy or his imps. I use to feel the need to constantly defend my character but I stopped... my character speaks volumes, the blessings that God is constantly bringing into my life and the people he’s surrounded/surrounding me with speak volumes about the favor that rest upon me. I could walk around all day stating how far I’ve come or how far I have to go but that’s irrelevant. I’d rather people see my heart, I’d rather let my actions and character speak for me. I’m so glad that God spared me and even on days where I question why he did, he ALWAYS does something to let me know how loved I am! Insecurity doesn’t make it past TSA... one of my pastors preached a message a few years ago about making your thoughts surrender themselves to TSA (airport security) so before I let negative thoughts take flight I check them at the gate! What other people think of me isn’t my concern or worry but what God thinks of me is everything! His thoughts and ways are higher so whether you believe in karma, reaping what one sows know that everything you plant will grow. What are you planting? Are you planting discord? Are you planting seeds of peace? Ask yourself because it always comes back to you... Grace is something none of us will ever understand and it’s something we can’t earn but there are also consequences to our actions.- 

Cdj❤️