Faith and Trust
Everyone close to me understands the rollercoaster I've been on for the past 9 months but this summer was the breaking point. There was light at the end of such a dark tunnel, I had all these job offers and I decided to take one I thought was perfect. It was a really great job (temp to hire position) but then about two weeks in my transportation broke down and if you've worked for a temp agency you know that you're usually not allowed to miss the first 90 days. The township I was working in had no type of public transportation and because I'd just started I had no money to make it out there. Those other job offers were no longer available and I became so depressed, like laying in a dark room for two weeks type of depressed.
People would ask oh how's your job going and I'd have to explain... Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I've found myself wide awake with my bible, sermons and my notebook for hours on end just basically avoiding thoughts of suicide, rejection and past hurts that were never quite dealt with. If you've read my book , follow me on social media you know my testimony, my story of how how God saved my life after a suicidal attempt a few years ago. Remembering that moment made me press into God and realize that I've come too far to turn back! I find myself listening to the word for hours on end and just staying connected to my source which is Jesus Christ.
A couple weeks ago I got a call for an offer, did a phone interview, was told they'd send paperwork. A week passed, nobody called and I'm like here we go again! The other day another temp service calls me (I don't even remember filling out this app) same position, different location (downtown) and better pay. I almost kind of let doubt sink in because at this point I'm so use to being disappointed and let down but God quickly reminded me of his promises. I talked with the lady over the phone for all of ten minutes and she immediately said I'm sending over the paperwork. She asked if I had time to fill it out and I wanted to say lady I have nothing but time! I finished up all the paperwork and she gives me the starting date which is October 19th. It's a temp to hire position but I don't really have time to think past the contract ending date (my last job was temp to hire, I was hired in permanently and with them for a year and a half). My prayer to God a few months back was very simple, I said: Lord I need a consistent income to get back on my feet so that I can afford to finish my second book!
By trade I'm a medical biller, I went to school for it years ago just so that I would be able to make a decent living. I knew all along it wasn't where my heart was. I'm a writer and the medical field is very mundane, boring and practical! I believe that God heard my prayer so I don't mind temp jobs because it doesn't bind me to a permanent position. I don't know what next year holds but I know I'll be employed through the beginning of it, what do I have to lose? I've already lost everything including pride which was something I had to lose in order to grow in my walk. Sure my phone has been cut off a couple times that's the least of my concerns (funny how we trip about minor things) but I'm grateful for roommates, my grandparents and family who've held me up with the big things! Rent, electric, food so what is a phone? I hate Tmobile anyway so when I get a steady income I'm done with them... I hear the voice of God say we are almost there, you've passed this test. Although I had some depressing moments I never let go of Gods hand, I definitely felt like it at times but I know that complaining gets you absolutely nowhere. I've learned patience, long suffering and how to PRAY like nobody's business!
Prayer certainly changes our focus, it shifts our view and changes our thought process. I have so much hope, I don't really know what I'll do for the next month financially but he's provided for 9 months so what is one more? Moments where I felt like such a burden on others, moments where I felt like I might as well pack my bags and go back home. God is teaching me not to run when life gets hard, running is my mechanism for coping, checking out was my thing but I couldn't pass the test until I dealt with life and instead of sleeping to numb the pain I'm here. I log onto my blog, I open my bible in the middle of the night and I find encouragement through sermons (my podcast has become my saving grace). I've learned to trust him with my life!
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