Thoughts, Emotions and Life

In the past 48 hrs I've probably slept a total of 5. Nothing major going on, not even physically busy at the moment just can't get my mind to stop racing. Thinking of my new job, new position that starts in two weeks  and just newness all around me. I'm changing, my friends are changing... My world is changing. Everything I thought I knew I honestly don't have a clue about. 
I love reflecting over age and growth. I reached 28 this year, it's been such a strange, peculiar year and odd year. 2015 is an odd number which is ironic because flashing back 2011 was rough. 2012 was so amazing, 2013 was rough and strange. 2014 everything just flowed, it had its trials but it flowed. Is it not odd that these peculiar and rough times seem to line up with the odd number years? 
Not into astrology or any of that I look at life from a spiritual aspect. I just have this beautiful feeling that things are going to get better soon. Life is a challenge in itself then to add life's events to it causes many to buckle or give up all together. Yes I'm rooted in Christ, I'm a believer but I have battled with depression since I was 12. Deep people can sit around saying oh Christians don't get depressed unless their faith is off balance. Lies! My faith is strong but WE live in a fallen, broken world where pain is inevitable. I feel the heaviness of the violence and injustice surrounding me. I've laid before the lord on most days with no words but deep sobs and begging him to just take this pain. 
At times it's too much, at times I have prayed selfishly God just let me go to sleep and come live with you. I'm guilty of not taking into consideration that my work here isn't done, that he saved me to be a light to someone. Selfishly I've let my pain consume me, causing me to be insensitive to the fact that many are hurting. My prayer is that God will continue to grace me and I know he will but these fall and winter months take an emotional toll on me. Fighting the good fight and not giving up!- Cdj 


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