Somewhere in the Deep
I find myself at such a crossroad... I find myself being obedient to God yet feeling a bit of anxiousness as we approach this big step and life choice. Moving to a new city and state is a life changing decision! It's especially scary when you've never been on your own completely. I moved two hours away three years ago with my sister and best friend so in a sense I wasn't alone but moving 9 hrs is a completely different ball game. Everyone keeps asking are you sure you want to do this? Even if I didn't it's what God wants me too so being obedient to him always trumps my emotions! I'm at the point where I can't stress or worry about job prospects etc because I know he's going to provide so that's just not my main concern right now. My main concern at the moment is GETTING there, it seems so far away but looking at the calendar I have about two months to make this transition into what will seem like a foreign land.
I've grown up in the Midwest, lived in Indiana my entire life and sure I've visited other places but visiting and living are two different things. When I moved to this city I realized that it was a different world compared to my hometown and there's a whole different cultural aspect here to be honest. There's a loneliness about this city, everyone is for themselves and it can feel cold outside of your own four walls. North Carolina is different, more family oriented and very peaceful so I look forward to that aspect of it. I'm a loner by nature, I enjoy being around those I love but after awhile it's almost like I have to pull away in order to function. I can easily spend days on end in my room and most would say that's unhealthy but my creativity seems to flow better when I'm alone. I don't think that I've shared my song lyrics or my poetry on this platform because I'm still learning how to be open and I'm sensitive about my stuff! I have shared a lot about myself over the years, I've shared my deepest fears, struggles and loss but there are parts I haven't felt like sharing. God keeps pulling off layers and I'm not the emotionally reckless 19 year old girl I was when this journey started via MySpace. I'm not the girl spilling her guts out about the random men who've broken her heart, not the bitter emotional wreck I once was and over time I've grown soft.
Life can either give you rough edges or smooth yours out and the girl who once would hold everything in until she blew up now cries about the most juvenile things. I was never one to cry on romance movies or sappy songs, didn't know what baby fever felt like until about two years ago. I've always been sensitive but the difference with me now is that I'm sensitive minus broken. When you're broken you're sensitive because you're fragile and the slightest thing can set you off but my sensitivy now seems to flow with the normal current of life. I'm not sensitive when it comes to criticism or advice that I ask for, I'm rarely sensitive or hurt by people who speak or lash out of their own hurt because I understand what that's like. I always say if I want the truth I'll ask a child or a drunk person because they're not in a position to lie and in many ways I live my own life in that way when giving advice. I see no type of boundary when you ask me for my advice or opinion! I feel like you trusted me enough to share your heart and you want my honest opinion so I'm going to give it. I've been called hard, critical etc but I never give my opinion unwarranted! That speaks volumes because I'm an overly opinionated whirlwind... Politics lets not discuss, views that are churchy yet not biblical let's not go there and this idea that God is some genie will lead to a conversation that is unending. I'm not shy, I can be quiet if I have nothing to say or I'm unfamiliar with you. I was recently asked to share my struggles and current issues on a platform that isn't very big but the person comes from a very well known family so in a way it's big. It's easy to share here in my space, on my turf and in the world that I have created out of words for myself and those I invite in but on someone else's website, someone else's "turf" that's hard! All these insecurities started to come into play, I found myself second guessing like but she's this and she's that... For goodness sakes she's the King of Pops niece and they're perfectionist etc etc. I had all these preconceived notions of a person, a young woman whom I've never met only know through Twitter and email! She encouraged me, told me to keep pushing and inspired me to share my heart because everyone struggles regardless of status. Rich people and poor people have battles and struggles because we are all human. Our struggles may not be the same, our struggles may be different but we all struggle on some type of level, I mean it's inevitable. So I wrote a couple paragraphs for a movement called EIGBO which stands for EVRYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. You can read my story entry or other women's entries: EIGBO.com and I pray that it blesses you along with my random style of venting via this post! You're loved by a perfect God and an imperfect Cdj. Be blessed!