Fathers Day Blues
I asked God to renew me and he said let's start from the beginning... I've carried a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment towards you. There were times in life I hated you. I hated that you weren't there to protect me... To teach me or guide me when guys broke my heart or when I made wrong choices. I hated that I couldn't come to you for advice on how to effectively communicate and I hated that you left me out here to figure if out for myself. I wanted to understand but my anger clouded my better judgement and I found myself disrespecting, cursing and seeing men as nothing. This isn't a letter to bash you or make you look bad. The same way I communicate with my mother I also have to learn to communicate with you. I felt neglected, unloved and unwanted. You weren't there to cheer me on or to teach me to love myself. I recently found myself trying to piece together my life, failed relationships and trust issues. God stopped me and took the pieces from me because I can't mend what's broken in my human hands.
I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and confusion for too long. I said with my mouth that I forgave you but in my heart I was still broken. I said that I wasn't jealous of what other girls had with their fathers or that I didn't desire that type of bond but I did.
You never hurt me physically or put your hands on me... You were just non existent. An emotional girl who hated the world, gave her heart to those who abused it and misused it. I find myself now asking questions like can we start over? Can we restore? I find myself concerned with moments that haven't come to pass such as a walk down the aisle, children I've yet to bare and asking myself continuously will you be there? Nothing and nobody but Jesus can fill the internal void. Days, months, years have passed since we've seen each other face to face. My feelings are often pushed to the side, I'm told to forgive you, I'm told to love you regardless. I'm told that expressing my emotions openly isn't wise. Then I begin to think about statistics and how from 2005 to now 75% of black children are growing up without a father. Grandfathers, cousins and uncles are great but they don't replace the void of someone who helped create you. They can't heal emotional wounding and scars of neglect. I realize that I must share my brokenness with the world in hopes that others come to Christ to receive supernatural healing. Who taught me that my body was sacred and that I belonged to the lord? Who taught me that I deserved to be treated like a queen and not give my heart to every Tom'dion, Dickquan and Harry'onte? Jesus loves me. It tells me in his word that in Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." He tells me in Psalm 27:10 NIV
"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." You see I can't hate you anymore, I can't harbor anger any longer.
My prayer is that God will send a man into my life that understands what I've been through, understands the hell my heart felt and can understand how fragile I am. My prayer is that my feelings won't be pushed aside, my future children won't know the pain of not having a male example to lead, guide and steer. If God never sends that man he's done enough as is by mending a broken girl who tried relentlessly to heal herself---- Cdj