The Year I Woke Up
“You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!”
John 14:13-14 NLTI have always been goal driven, I write my goals out at the end of each year, I make list, vision boards etc. When you were a little girl you probably had several grand plans about how your life would turn out huh? Most little girls dream of being mothers and wives, they plan their dream weddings and fantasize about marriage. Not I... I think that I always wanted to be in control, wanted to be a woman with money and prestige. I did not want to be married, my parents divorced when I was 11 so my view of married was warped. I did not want to be a mother because it seemed like a tiresome, unrelenting yet depressing task having to be responsible for children.
My little girl dreams, role models and obsessions were women who weren't tied down. This year I found everything and everyone around me changing. Everything I thought I knew or based my life on was shaken. I found myself questioning literally everything in my life from friendships, relationships and even my faith. My little girl dreams that I was once so secure about started to crumble around me. My vision board that has been proudly tacked to my wall since the day after New Years titled "Sweet 16" seemed to be mocking me on days where I felt like I was losing my mind. The "Hello Charlotte" theme seemed to be a distant and long lost dream on days when I had .02 cents in my account. I spent many days and nights angry at God for ignoring my cries and pain. I spent days in bed, zoning out and feeling stuck. I wasted time that I should have been writing because I was consumed with my brokenness, my lack of money and my pain.
My confidence dwindled after job loss, consistent failure to keep jobs which is where I've always placed my trust (stay with me) because my pride has led me. When life goes according to my lists, when my bank account isn't on "E" I'm comfortable and when I know the next step I'm confident. That's not how God works... What would be the point of faith if we didn't have some moments where we were unsure of that next step and outcome? If you go through life with no type of struggle how will you relate to people or even grow? I could say that it took a long time to realize what my purpose is but I'd be lying because many of my failed attempts stem from my disobedience. When God told me to step out on faith in the fall of 2014 and write it wasn't just for a season and I didn't trust him with my whole heart. When I left my permanent job in January of 2015 I was hopeful yet didn't understand the full details of what it means to completely depend on the lord. Given I've had my grandparents and roommates to hold me up when things got really tight on necessities but my "pride" has been shattered.
I prided myself in finally being able to do things for myself, not asking for help or for money to eat or pay my bills. Things started to look up around September, haven't had to ask for much of anything since then and my outlook is so much different. I've even had a couple jobs since then, I'm learning that my hope is not in a company or job and that God is a provider, he always provides. 2016 has been hard, relentless and so dark but I'm seeing the light. I'm feeling peace because if I could make it through this year I feel like I can make it through so much more! This next season will be a little easier and that financial mountain has been tackled but that doesn't mean that more challenging seasons aren't coming. I trust God, I no longer put my faith in people, money or jobs because my strength comes from him and him alone.