Evolving

I've changed over the course of a year and not just physically (chopped my hair). The past 6 months of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster of sorts...from uprooting and making the decision to come back home to coming to terms with the change of plans to losing my grandfather. I came home to find peace, to pull my head together for awhile and to spend time with my grandparents not knowing the events that would take place after only having been home for a couple months. From flooding, to my grandfathers heart attack, strokes and his passing to more flooding I keep asking God how is it that I have not lost it yet? Prior to moving here I lost a series of jobs, hit rock bottom financially for awhile and all I'd ask God for daily was a "dose of happy!" 

When life is coming at you like a heavy weight champ and you feel as if you can no longer dodge its blows what do you do? Many will direct me to scripture... Which I know like the back of my hand. Others will use cliche sayings that aren't really scripture but sound good (like God will never put more on you than you can bare) and can I be Frank or in my case Frankeisha? I love God but I've been angry with him... Yeah I know he's good, sovereign etc but life hurts and that's just the honest truth! I believe that God wants our hearts, our HONEST and open hearts. We can church things up, make them pretty and proper but how do we get raw, unfiltered healing if we don't give him the raw, gut wrenching truth and pain? 

My pastor once said," God can't anoint your avatar, God can't save your selfie!" Read that back... He can't bless who you pretend to be. So why are we honest about everything but our hurt, our disappointment and our pain. Isaiah 53:3 NLT tells us,"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care." Jesus felt sadness, he felt rejection and he felt pain so why do we feel like we are above these emotions or like we need to hide them from him? The terms "be strong" or put on your "brave face" have caused many to hide their pain. Ignoring   depression, pain doesn't make it go away because eventually you become consumed and full of those emotions. 

I've been known to have extreme outbursts from holding everything in, fits of anxiety and tightness in my chest lately. Haven't written on here or in my notebooks in about a month and this is my therapy. Writing is a form of therapy for me and has been since I was about 8 years old, writing is therapeutic for me and lately I've neglected to put my emotions out in writing. I'm sure that you've watched me transform over the past year physically in pictures and videos but what I want people to really notice is the heart "transplant." I've grown in some areas, matured in my love for people and the human condition. At the end of the day we all fall on hard times, we all struggle with our emotions from day to day so I'm learning that patience truly is a virtue. You never really know what people are battling or dealing with. I've often heard people say "you've changed" as if changing is a bad thing! As humans we should grow, we should evolve and growth is crucial when learning how to deal with our emotions. Please find an outlet, a source to express yourself. It's ok to feel sad, angry and even cry, don't hold it in! I'm so glad that I'm evolving.- Cdj❤️