"Make me your vessel... make me an offering, make me whatever you want me to be. I came here with nothing, but all you have given me Jesus, bring new wine out of me."-Hillsong
This year was one for the books... I can’t think of a moment where God hid himself from me or let me feel like he had forsaken me. I share everything here and everyone knows how traumatizing 2017 was for my family overall. Losing my grandfather was one of the single most traumatic and heartbreaking things WE ever faced. Grieving together was rough... grieving alone was even harder. I had to grieve a little differently and even though I had my family around often I had to grieve quietly. Living in his house, being strong for my grandma caused me to hold a lot in because I called myself protecting her. In my mind I thought I had to be strong for her even if that wasn’t asked of me I did it anyway. It wasn’t just his death that took a toll on my mental health it was the unraveling of the house (two floods) anxiety over freak accidents and life just did not let up in 2017 at all! I walked into 2018 anxious, afraid of what was next and with zero expectations of getting my joy back. I took it one day at a time, one step and sighed relief at every good moment. One of my biggest struggles the past few years have been finances as I worked temp job after temp job up until I moved back to my hometown nearly two years ago. I was so tired of rejection notices for simple jobs and even when people would suggest jobs to me and I’d get as far as interviews with no “luck.” I created my own job, I started doing what I loved and though the pay, the financial aspect has been rocky I’ve yet to go empty handed! I can honestly say that I haven’t been empty handed this year, God keeps sending me love notes in the form of people. From my mother and grandmother always coming through even when I don’t share the details of being short on cash, to my cousin asking me to house sit/cat sit a couple weeks, to my other cousin telling me about a small grant for my publishing business to a rapper that I was unfamiliar with blessing my cash-app and a handful of people randomly blessing me I’ve been soooo blessed. I haven’t been able to complain about not having money or being able to live freely this year!
I’m not rich (at the moment) I get short at times but God never fails to come through in some form and I’m so grateful that he’s mindful of me! I had lost faith in God... I had given up in areas of life and lost my joy but he proved that he never left me. Dysfunction is a wild thing... although I had a beautiful/strange childhood I also saw a lot of dysfunction in my adolescence. I faced a lot of rejection that was pushed to the side or ignored by many. Rejection messes with you, it causes you to build walls, fences and create a world of your own just to get through life. I found help in the form of therapy this year and it was the best decision I ever made! I saw people’s true colors this year, I found out who really cares about my well being and who just doesn’t care at all. I find solace in knowing that those who took the time to sow, intercede and go to war on my behalf are sincere. I don’t trust easily, I don’t confide in many but many confide in me so I found myself overwhelmed by life. I learned to take care of myself this year! I got to be the “care free black girl” that I talk about all the time. I got to travel, dance and move about freely without feeling like I was neglecting the people around me.
I’m so grateful to be able to love and be loved! I’m so grateful for reaping a harvest that was intentionally sown because I live a life where I’m intentional about how I treat people. I still find myself hesitant about enjoying the happy moments of life, I almost let myself feel guilty but then I think of the rough moments I’ve faced and I remember that I’m deserving of love and joy! 2019... I’m ready! ❤️ Cdj ❤️
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