The Battle in my Head

My first statement may sound arrogant or cocky but I'll try to word it where it doesn't seem that way! When I put my mind to something or set out to really achieve at something I'm usually successful 90% of the time. Now I say that from an honest place not from a superior or bragging type of place. Once I get the hang of something the "perfectionist" in me kicks in and oftentimes I've gotten burned out on certain things because I'm ALL or nothing. Well for the past two years I've witnessed defeat and failure in just about everything I touched... And it humbled me. I'd never been fired before, if I left a job it was because I wanted to or had a better opportunity. I have faced rejection in my personal life but when it came down to my professional life? I had become so use to excelling, nothing has ever come easy for me unless it's the memorization of song lyrics and key changes so in school or on jobs I work really hard. Never been a butt kisser, I just believe in working hard and that's just my nature.

So I'm working at this job for a year and a half, I'm making more money than I'd ever made and I'm comfortable. I'm comfortable because for once I'm not calling home for money or asking for loans, I have benefits and most of my vacation days I haven't used because I'm faithful to my job. I repeat "I'm comfortable!" Anybody who knows me knows that as a young woman there were two things I prayed for and those two things were: Peace and stability. I am the product of divorce and although my mother tried her best to give us peace there wasn't a lot of stability. My father was manipulative at times during his various stages of depression and dysfunctional on every hand. So at 19 I was determined to have peace and I was determined to have stability so I went to the only place I knew that had both. You're probably thinking oh you went to God... No I went to my grandparents house. I'd never known anything to be inconsistent in their home in MY lifetime and if it was I was too young to remember it. So I move in at 19, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm tormented and I was just a mess thinking this "house" could fix me. I'm dating just for kicks, not taking men seriously, in love with one but I was too immature to commit. I'm in my first year of college at a local community college, didn't really have to work so I was either hanging with my cousins or just being random with my friends. My mom tells me they're moving to Indianapolis and even though I'd moved out I'm angry! 

So I stuffed my anger because at this time I'm not the emotional bottle rocket that I am now... Only occasionally! I'm in and out of relationships, I'm avoiding the voice of God and although I attend church occasionally my heart is divided. At 21 I lose my virginity because I'm "bored" and in love but I was never pressured by that person whom I have a great deal of respect for till this day. If anybody was pressuring anybody it was me who was doing the pressuring! I'm not ashamed of my past, I've been redeemed so I feel safe sharing this and I've written a whole book. I'm secure enough to share these mistakes now because I know who I am but at 21 I was still this little girl searching for love and herself. I was so lost yet I'd been taught right from wrong so when you're taught right from wrong the enemy thrives off of that! I was taught to respect myself and my body so the enemy was having a field day with my mind and my heart. I'd go on these overzealous emotional kicks for Jesus (my past FB statuses, Twitter post tell a story of a girl who was battling) then I'd be on these "God knows my heart" type of rants. I had no real relationship with Jesus but I wanted it. I got semi serious at 22 and totally serious at 24 so between those years the battle raged from a failed suicide attempt to baptism!  I gave this little back history to jump into the topic I'm about to jump into which is the battlefield of the mind (Thank you Joyce).

** My whole life I've been an overachiever, my early childhood is literally in boxes. Boxes of ribbons, high honor roll, honor roll and certificates that my mother kept. I didn't lack confidence in my abilities, I was secure in who I was. Life can dim our lights and I think every girl feels this around middle school. My grades slipped there, boys were never my downfall and they were just stupid to me. High school came and I wrote a lot, I wrote so much that if I ever do become a mother I'll have so much to share. I wasn't a horrible student but because I struggled greatly with numbers and often would end up writing problems backwards I spent two extra months in summer school so that I could graduate with my diploma and not a GED. After that I jumped right into community college to get general education over with but soon dropped out after getting mono my first semester. No biggie I jump back in a year later, at this point I have my first serious boyfriend, I start working full time at my church's daycare and life is good. School bores me, I drop out and try my hand at beauty college, that bores me but I finish because I'm paying for this. I want to try my hand at this medical billing program so I do and I like this let me do this. #Pause these things kept me busy and oftentimes out of trouble so I don't regret that period where I'm in and out of school because I'm finishing these things. 2012 was the year of so many first and I always thank my older cousin because it was nobody but God that prompted her to ask me to come stay with her for a few months in Virginia. When she called I'd been celibate for awhile, I was in church but I'd been battling a deep depression after a close friend was killed. Those three months in Virginia were the best moments that ever happened to me! I'd never been on a plane or really travelled. I got really close to God and it was almost like 25 opened my eyes to so much. When I came home I was motivated for a little bit but as usually that manic high wore off, only this time I knew I had to leave my hometown. At this point I'm like ok do I go back to Virginia or where do I go? My sister and newfound best friend were debating about moving to Indianapolis which I hated! If you'd have told me 4 years ago I'd be living here I'd most likely had to repent for cussing... I wanted out of Indiana. 

The Holy Spirit gives us practical reasons and logic in life so I knew it was God when he told me move there for a couple years, get use to being away from home then we will discuss a new state. Fair enough, we prayed, sought God and June 2013 we packed up with no apartment to live in, I had no job prospects and 1500 dollars in my account but I trusted God. We stayed in a hotel for two weeks and right away my sisters found jobs. We combined what we had for down payments on moving expenses and about a month later I interviewed reluctantly at a daycare. I came home and cried, my mother thought that was so funny and said she'd never seen anyone cry about getting a job. That same day I got a call for a position in a call center dealing with medical documents that paid more than I'd ever made. It was my first big girl job, I learned the city of Indy by bus as there was one car between the three of us, I didn't care though. My first day I got lost, had blisters but I was excited! I worked temp for 6 months, had my own little office and became permanent that January. I was in my glory, I was well liked and even when our apartment flooded out and I went through a spell of depression I was so grateful to be employed. That year was challenging, beautiful and frustrating all at once. 

As the year wrapped up I kept feeling like it was all about to end, during a conference in Atlanta that summer I was praying during morning quiet time when the Holy Spirit said write a book. I sort of chuckled to myself because I had been blogging for years, venting online and pouring my heart out to my Twitter friends. The next day he gave me a title for the book and my mind was blown! So I was anxious to get home, I immediately started this blog and began brain storming about this book he'd told me to write. As the fall approached the Holy Spirit said December is it and I'm like really God? Now I'm hesitant because I have a secure job and two roommates so I can't leave my job they'll think I'm crazy! So I start applying for other jobs like crazy, I get one so December comes I put in my notice. About a week after I leave my job the new job falls through, all this while I'm finishing up my book. I have very little money saved up but I remember that I can always go back to my old job. Um nope, coworker reaches out to me and says our department is closing in February. Here I am, a newly self published author, out on faith with 1200 dollars in her account. I keep telling myself Indy has so many jobs you'll find one fast! And a couple months later I find one, nothing fancy but it'll pay my bills. Second week of training they tell me this job isn't for me so they're letting me go. I'd NEVER been fired so I sink into this deep depression, temp jobs come and go. One job after another, I sink into complete darkness to the point my sisters drag me out of bed to pray with me. One night I'm tuning into Elevation Church and pastor Steven is preaching a message from a couple years before called "Don't Stop on 6!" So I get out of bed, I'm praying and crying out to God. A week later a temp to hire position becomes available so I shake myself off and start preparing. Couple of other positions call but  Downtown, perfect location lets go I want this. I'm there, I'm getting on my feet, a new year is approaching and for the first time I can pay my rent again. One by one all my temp friends are disappearing but God you haven't forsaken me. Remember God this is for me? I come in one day, I'm there two hours and honey they didn't tell you last night? Please come in my office blah blah, turn in your badge we are letting you go. It's February, it's freezing outside, I've been saving money and I'm really sick anyway so everything is just a blur. My tax check also deposited that day so really it doesn't sting that much, my mom picks me up I'm sleepy but at peace and all I want to do is sleep. The next morning I wake up and bills are coming out of my account (auto pay) and I start to panic! Mom! I can't do this again, I can't deal and she says where is all that faith you had yesterday? I remember the year before and the hand of God on my life, I look at my "war wall" and all the prayers and I know he's faithful. 

This year alone I've faced more rejection than I've faced in my whole life, this year alone I've experienced more ego bruising than I've ever experienced and this year alone I've learned to put my trust and hope in the lord! Many nights ended in darkness and phone calls home to my grandparents for rent money or groceries. We are ending on a good note and for the first time in two years I'm starting a permanent position, the first one ever not through a temp agency since I moved here 3 years and 3 months ago. It doesn't pay as well as the last job but as my grandfather says," Some money is better than no money!" I wanted to leave this past summer but it wasn't time, now it's time. In January I'm heading to Charlotte, I asked God specifically for this position so that I could move with my job in tact and if need be I'll find a better one when I get there. I'm ready to serve in the ministry that helped me get through emotional hell these past two years and spoke life into me. I'm ready to serve in the ministry that has taught me to seek the lord and has broken the word down for me where I understand and LOVE it. If you read all of this then you're awesome! The enemy knows that anything I set my mind to is a WIN so he torments me there and for awhile he was winning, destroying everything I set out to do but also God had a plan and he protected me from some stuff I didn't see so I win. With Christ I always win and he had a plan for me long before I even existed, he tells me and you in Psalm 139:13-15 NIV “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” Whoever reads all this either loves me or just needs to read about God's faithfulness! My story is just beginning but I'm so grateful that he took my brokenness and used it for his glory. Until next time keep him first! You're so loved.- CDJ❤️