Control

This season of my life God has answered my prayers... You know that prayer where we say oh wreck me Jesus or make my heart look like yours? That leads to breaking down of self! By nature I like to be in control of my life, I like stuff to be in order as far as my schedule, my time, my day to day routine. I like a 9 to 5 type of life and when my routine is off I lose it. Nothing this year went as planned, nothing is what I thought it would be but this is where I am and Jesus is in control. I'm much calmer, I'm much quieter and less confident in my own abilities but overly confident in who Jesus is. He's proven himself to me over and over. He's spoken to my heart at night when words wouldn't form and tears were all that fell. Job after job fell through, things I've never experienced. I got fired from a position for the first time in my life, I've had to pray for God to send finances for groceries and living expenses. I realize that this all a part of life but I honestly will never forget this season because it's humbled me in unimaginable ways. 

I've never considered myself to be a drop dead gorgeous person or even to be extremely pretty but what I've always had was my wit, my intelligence and ability to figure things out. God stripped me of some pride, I'm not perfect, I'm not so smart that I can just do things on my own. I've learned to rely solely on the Lord who has literally provided. I remember crying one day loudly in my room, the house was empty, my best friend had left for work and my sister was still at work. I had 1.75 in my account, I didn't know where grocery money would come from, my pride wouldn't let me call home to my grandparents or anyone else. Randomly checked my mailbox and there was a 95 dollar check! It happened a couple times in the past few months and I started saying how dare I doubt God? I haven't went hungry, I've ate things I didn't like but haven't went hungry. 

Thankful for the family members who've sown into my life by doing things like buying my book, paying my portion of rent, friends who've paid for meals and random acts of kindness. It's been a humbling experience to say the least but one that's made me so much stronger.  I know that this season of life is so temporary, all the disappointments, glimmers of hope have done a number on my ego. I now realize that without Christ we are nothing. Isaiah 64:6 NIV

 All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.