My Circle

I don't have a lot financially but I'm blessed and very rich in love! The circle that God has placed me in is so strong. The few friends that I do have hold me down in every area of life and my cousins are my closest allies. I have found that in the rough moments, the dark days of my life just how loved I am not only by Jesus but by the people he surrounds me with. There's nothing in this world my mother and grandmother won't do for me and I've picked up on this generational blessing when it comes to those around me. I'm not always a hands on person, I'm not a touchy feely person and I know that at times money doesn't solve everything but I'd give my last to support dreams, visions and needs. I've been thinking of some advice my grandmother gave me recently concerning finances because I'll give all I have and not think twice: "Stop doing that or you won't have anything for yourself. One day you can do that but not right now." She wasn't saying don't be generous but to be more conscious and I had to realize that sometimes I do just blindly give with no thought towards tomorrow.

In my life I've had short seasons of lack but I've never been completely without until this past year. I found myself tied down financially in every area. I was unemployed, I'd just written my first book (self published) so the royalty rates weren't very much. I'd become so use to meeting ends and had gotten comfortable in a steady position I'd been in for a year and a half. I call that season my "Trust Journey" because I literally learned how to depend on God and although I had family help with rent I had so much other stuff piling up. I found myself completely, totally dependent on God! 

I'd take temp jobs or positions he didn't give me the green light on and find out quickly what wasn't for me. I remember the straw that broke the camels back was a position clear on the other side of town around May of last year and I'd been lied to about the salary (I don't have a car, I don't drive) but had told my mom I'd give her gas money until I figured out a bus route or had enough for Uber. The place was awful and the turn over rate was so high because of their dishonesty. I remember telling them before training when being hired I have a women's conference in ATL I attend every year and being given permission to go and thinking ok this will work out. Despite the rough year and the struggle to get to ATL I was excited! Had my little cousins with us and they were going to stay an extra week when we got back so I was just amped about the time I got to spend with them. Came home on a spiritual high and found out I didn't have a job anymore, wasn't getting paid for the training I took and we've got three girls visiting. I find myself almost embarrassed even though they didn't seem to mind it was all in my head!  Scratch the fact that they'd gotten to spend all this time in Atlanta and we had this great time I'd had plans for when we got back to Indy that failed. I feared them going home to their parents and telling them of the awful time they'd had but I found out quickly that kids are so resilient. 

I held it together and after they went home I fell apart... I'm talking in bed from sun up to sun down, didn't eat much, kept lights off. I found myself becoming so very angry with God and completely ignoring the fact that I'd been disobedient because he never told me to take that job.

It had to be around September when I found myself laying on my bedroom floor praying after a 24 hr fast I said," God! I need a job even if it's temporary just to get on my feet, purchase a computer so I can write my next book and pay some past due bills!" Simple as that and two days later I got a call with an offer to make exactly the amount I'd been praying for (I wasn't thinking big enough, just praying to get by). I was told the position was temp to hire and given the green light to start in October, I was God led in my decision and even when they pushed start date to November I was at peace. During that time I was seeking God on when to move to Atlanta and he flipped the script and said Charlotte so I started planning in my mind. I was to be temporary until March and was told when I got the job once again the agency lied and it wasn't permanent but there was a slight possibility. I was cool just at peace about saving money for the time being, things were good for awhile! I'm paying my bills on time, saving money, seeking God, apartment hunting, job searching for positions in Charlotte online when madness strikes. I go to work one morning after seeing so many of my coworkers being let go but trusting God daily and all of a sudden I'm  being asked to turn in my badge because I'm being let go. Not an ego bruiser since so many of us had been let go so my self esteem was still intact. That was almost a month ago and I'm just now really sharing this with those outside of "my circle." No tears fell at that moment, I had peace because I wasn't hurting financially, I'd been saving, the next day was payday and I honestly hadn't been feeling well so I just wanted to go home. 

To make a long story short I talked all this stuff, told my mom I'm good, I trust God only to wake up the next morning and I felt like I was in the same place I'd been a year ago. Pity partyyyy! My mom said what happened to yesterday? I then realized that my prayer had been answered, I'd caught up on some bills and I had my computer etc. I've been saying for years how I want to write for a living. I have every resource at my fingertips and I'd also told God I wanted to go back to college but didn't have time to juggle that or work 10 to 12 hr days. Still making plans to move to North Carolina in May. ALL this rambling on this post is simply to say there's power in prayer and I've learned to be specific because God has answered every little prayer over the course of this trust journey. I've been thinking and praying way too small. We are told in John 14:14 "Yes ask me for ANYTHING in MY name and I will do it." Yet we continue to go timidly and shyly to the throne of grace! Time to start praying boldly and CONFIDENTLY about what you need and want from God. I don't care if it's something as small as a new dress or something big like a house or a car GO BOLDLY.  FATHER, I come to you now and pray a special prayer over anyone who reads this. God give them supernatural favor in every area of life, we know that you're faithful and that you love us. We belong to you and we can come to you about anything and everything! Lord let us learn to pray BOLDLY and be specific about what we need because there's NOTHING that you can't do. Let us be led in our daily choices, let us not forget prayers we've prayed in the middle of the night and early morning when heartbreak was near. Let us not forget unspoken words and dreams we've placed before you because you've not forgotten our hearts cries. WE trust you, your awesome plan for our lives and we bind up the lies of the enemy who wants to destroy us mentally, emotionally and physically. Thank you for what you've done and what your going to do. Amen. I appreciate all of you who support my journey, who support my blog and love me enough to let me "ramble." I pray that you'll keep reading about my journey as I continue to walk with Jesus daily! Let's keep TRUSTING!-Cdj