The Roaring "20's"

I turn 30 this year... Most kids look forward to 21 but I've always anticipated 30! Most little girls fantasize about getting married, starting families in their 20's. I honestly didn't even think or want any of that until I was about 23. 30's just screamed "settle down" in my mind and it gave me time and space to LIVE life. I'm a list maker, a vision board junkie and a pro/con/Rory Gilmore type of girl. I've always been goal oriented and though I've been through a series of life changes I always committed myself to finishing. At 23 I graduated from cosmetology school although I hated it and I never touched another nail file again! At 24 I got my associates in medical billing, at 25 my cousin invited me to spend a summer with her in Virginia and I got to see so many beautiful things on the east coast! At 26 I packed up my bags and moved two hours away from home on faith and a prayer, after a month I started my first big girl job and remained there for a year and a half. At 27 the lord told me to write a book so I left my job in obedience to him and the ride since then has been so hectic. 

The other day I found myself throwing the typical pity party one does when they're in between jobs (I've had about 12 of those in the past 3 years) and began feeling my "mortality." In my life I always stayed busy to avoid "myself" because I'm a lot to handle. I'm critical of myself, I can be critical of others but more so myself and I think that's an oldest kid thing. I think my self esteem issues started at 12 when my father made a comment about my weight, then my mothers husband also made comments. That changes a person, their perspective and view. I hated them for that so my view towards male authority completely shifted and I'm not here to throw shade or blame just being honest as usual (there's freedom in transparency). I think I was about 14 when I started binging and purging, I did it for about a year before I saw a Lifetime movie and got scared but picked it back up at 17. Even though it's been well over 10 years I still have to eat slowly or I get really nauseous. I had boyfriends in my early 20's, I was never really big on commitment and I've found that most children who are a product of divorce either go hard on commitment or they don't commit at all. My relationship with my father has never been steady seeing as though they divorced when I was 11. We spent every other weekend living his hell, his depression and inconsistency for about two years then he moved to Ohio, to New York, to Boston where he kept in touch by phone but when I was 16 he moved to NC and completely cut us off. He married a woman who didn't really care to ever meet us so we were often met with phone calls with her declining to let us speak with him. From age 16 to 20 I didn't see my father at all, it left me bitter.

At 19 I decided to move in with my grandparents which was also the year my mother moved here to Indianapolis. I'd been close to my grandparents my entire life but I was at an age where I began to study people and mainly my grandfather. I didn't drive so he'd often take me to classes, work and I'd often ride with him on his daily errands. If you know my grandfather you know he's a man of integrity, honor and he comes from a time period where men kept their word. My grandfather is a time stickler, he's a man of order and I can't think of a time where he wasn't there. I picked up on many of his habits because I hate being late to anything, I hate inconsistency and chaos. 

Moving here to Indianapolis was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made in my young life, I never wanted to be here. My sister and best friend were moving so I felt that I needed to come too... God met me here. I was saved, we were on this quest together but we knew nothing outside of our hometown or church life. When we first came we joined my moms church and it was nice... For them but I felt no connection. After a year I left in search of some place I fit in and I found it after visiting The Caring Place. I was faithful every Sunday,  I was consistent because that was my nature. Then life started happening, it got dark for me financially, emotionally and spiritually. I've battled off and on with depression since I was 12 but from 12 to 19 you're usually just considered an emotional, dramatic teenage girl. At 22 when I overdosed I realized something was wrong but you're suppose to "pray" those things away. The past 2 years I've had days where I completely check out,  moments I can't even recall, never been medicated but I probably needed to be. 

Well the plan was to move to Charlotte this month, I even went to look at apartments last month but when I say the plan literally crumbled after a series of so many GOOD things... I even had a roommate lined up, another job! God literally just flipped the script... I'm not big on giving the enemy credit. I think too often we give him too much credit and sometimes it's God that throws a wrench at our plans. I don't really know what that the plan currently is and I can't really sit here and say I'm totally at peace! I'm scared, for the first time in a long time I have no plan, no type of list and no vision board. This is hell to a person who's constantly moving with the next step or plan in life... This period of life is absolute hell because I've had to deal with ME and I don't like it. My perfectionist nature has led to me basically either going overboard or doing nothing, with me there's no in between. I'm either all in or completely gone, I'm either too much or not enough. I woke up this morning and I heard God whisper," You're not a failure." I'm moving home in a couple weeks and although I love my family and friends I feel like I'm moving backwards, like life is reversing. I'm scared of becoming stagnant, of being "stuck" in my hometown. I'm scared of commitment, normalcy and losing my fierceness and independence. I have to give these fears to the lord before I enter this next phase of life! He's helped me through these "roaring 20's" and I'm excited yet so nervous about the next step. We will talk soon!- CDJ❤️