Clarity & Space
It feels like it’s been forever... I haven’t written anything this year. I titled this entry “Clarity and Space” because that’s what I’ve needed lately. Last year was hard, the hardest year that I’ve experienced yet and you know I’ve faced some pretty hard years!
There will be times, moments and spaces where we just need to pull away from the world to find ourselves. I won’t say that my peace was taken from me because that can only be given away! Jesus tells us in John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]” That scripture tells me that it’s my inheritance, that he left peace with me therefore it can’t be taken, I feel like it can only be given away if I choose to. Even in times of chaos I understand that my peace is my inheritance and I hold so tightly to that.
I turned 30 last year so I’m in a whole new chapter of my life which to me has to be one of the most beautiful experiences one could be given. Life has not been easy for me as I am sure it has not been for you. My 20’s I was in a constant battle of searching for self, filling voids, finding my place in this world and I’m grateful for ALL of it! I’m better because of my mistakes, my struggles and triumphs. When I created this blog I was a fresh 27, surrounded by religion, over zealousness and a sea of women who were in the same place as me. I had friends, I had a nice job and my life was actually going pretty well. I was in a place where I didn’t have to depend on anyone, I finally could support myself financially, I wasn’t calling home for money and my life seemed to be looking up. I was also prideful, arrogant and naive in so many ways so I think God had to humble me to help me grow up.
Fast forward to now, I’m 30, my resume looks amazing but I’d been out of work for a year, couldn’t quite get it together mentally last year so dropped out of school and if you’ve read past entries you know it was just a difficult year all around. I’ve come to a place where my confidence isn’t in my resume, job titles, my abilities or in a pay check but in the creator of the universe who consistently shows up in big and small ways.
I don’t drive, it scares me and makes me nervous so public transportation/Uber’s don’t bother me... many people don’t get that but it doesn’t bother me. I very rarely ask for rides or anything like that because I made the choice not to drive. On my “adventures” I’ve met or seen some of the most interesting people! I remember working downtown in Indy for like 6 months on a temp assignment and some days if I got off early I’d ride the bus around the city (4 dollars for a full day) just because I was people watching. Those rides changed my perspective of people, situations and life in general. I found clarity in those moments, I found peace in my circumstances and not just because there were others worse off than me but because it reminded me that life is so temporary! One minute you could be flying, not wanting or needing for anything and the next it could all be gone just like that *snaps* so remaining humble is so important!
I often feel like I’ve had more dark days than happy days, I understand that happy is an emotion just like every other emotion but some days I just want have a consistent series of “happy moments” as opposed to challenging/complex moments. Oftentimes I just want to ask God why everything has to be a lesson or some type of event with me. I’ve never been a person who just takes what she can get, settling is not something I’ve ever been comfortable with even if the outcome caused me to fall flat on my face I naturally BUCK against normalcy. Complacency unnerves me, when life is mundane I’m thrown and on the surface it may look like my life has been mundane the past year but that’d be an understatement! Life has been anything but mundane, from freak accidents, to loss, to anger and back to clarity it has been a roller coaster of emotions, insight and spiritual warfare. I find myself becoming more of a “go with the flow” person because I realize that I only control my actions and responses. Life is going to happen whether I like it or not so take risks, love hard and don’t spend it beating yourself up over what you do not control. I’ll see you all soon.-❤️Cdj❤️