Shame and Shade Chronicles (2nd Semester)

Last spring I started a series with various women and received a few emails, anonymous and heart breaking stories about spiritual encounters, church hurt and shame. I had a lot going on in my personal life so I had to put the series on pause. I found it quite interesting that many of us had a lot in common when it came down to being labeled "church girls" strangely at the heart of the things we had in common purity seemed to be the biggest similarity. When I begin to break down all the things that are expected of a "church girl" purity was at the forefront.
I personally have never been an "experimenter" with many aspects of life, never did drugs, alcohol in moderation and with self control isn't a big deal to me personally (but that's a personal conviction for many) and sexually I've had one partner. I wouldn't label myself as a super private individual because with my blog, my books and ministry in general comes the need to be transparent. I do believe that privacy is necessary for certain aspects of life but there is a fine line when it comes to women's ministry in particular. If I were to paint myself as this walking picture of perfection when I'm far from it then how could I reach those who have struggled with the things I've struggled with? It'd be self righteous of me to judge a woman who's struggling with lining up with the church/biblical definition of purity when I'm battling myself.
I had to learn not to look at purity in a sexual sense but as a whole because we can't be pure simply because we choose to abstain from sex. If our thoughts aren't pure then it's seen as sin all together, correct? I'm not encouraging one to go out and go against there beliefs with my next couple thoughts but many aren't open minded enough to follow what I am about to say without frowning up so you should probably exit now. *Whispers* If you're constantly thinking of sex, watching pornography, reading literary pornography then it is no different from having actual sex and you might as well engage. I'm shrugging at the moment because a good majority of my audience is already closing this. Your thoughts are simply unplanned actions! As church girls we are taught that those thoughts are dirty, unhealthy and sinful yet because we are told not to it often intrigues us. That could go for anything in life that we are told is bad or dirty and dangerous though, we are intrigued by the unknown as humans in general. My goal with the series I started last year and for the remainder of this spring is to zero in on the shame factor. I don't know what you did today, yesterday or the day before and frankly it isn't my place to judge because I'm not in a position to do so but lets cancel out shame. If shame wasn't a factor then what you did last night wouldn't be such a big deal right? If shame wasn't something you felt internally then nothing you did last week would be a personal issue right? Like I stated earlier I wasn't an experimenter with life growing up, was a virgin until I was like 21 so I didn't go through the teenage phase of sneaking around etc. Stating this doesn't give me bragging rights or make me some perfect individual either but I just wasn't interested in having sex like most teenagers. Did I think about it? Absolutely! Did I read books, watch porn etc? Absolutely! This goes back to my statement about acting on in which I might as well have right? It wouldn't have made me any different from anyone else around me... anyway back to shame! Shame is that factor that cause teenagers and many times adults to sneak around because they hear their parents or youth pastor in the back of their minds telling them how dirty sex outside of marriage is. Once again, I'm not here to alter your beliefs or your stances but to give you my own perspective and view. Would you feel shamed if your parents never pushed purity? Would you feel ashamed had your purity coach or youth pastor never pushed the agenda or biblical context? You most likely wouldn't feel any shame and that is just the honest truth.
In the next few weeks, months or however long it takes I want your stories of your battles, struggles whether it was sexual or you battled with other stuff. I want your accounts of how the church, church people made you feel and it can be positive or negative. You can share them with me anonymously from anonymous email accounts or whatever because trust is a big deal for me. I will be re posting some stories many shared with me last year or you can go through the archive from March/April of last year to check them out. It's time that we be open/vulnerable in order to bridge a gap with the next generation that was not bridged with us. Many of us had good moms but if yours came from a generation like mine they're private, they're not always the best communicators when it comes to certain aspects of life or life's issues because they dealt with things differently or not at all. They didn't TALK and we are a generation of communicators! So lets communicate, lets bridge the gap my loves.- 💓Cdj💖


  1. Great job! I read this last night and thought I left a comment but didn’t 💕


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