Irons In The Fire

The main question and theme of my life at the moment is: So what are you up to these days? It's often stressful to share the reply or to even engage in conversation with people... They want to know what it is that you "do." Then there's the question of: I thought you were moving to... Awkward silence. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing except being nearly 30 and slowly packing up my life to move back home in less than two weeks.  I'm writing, trying to keep depression at bay, dealing with the manic days and trying to remain emotionally stable. This season of life is full of uncertainty, a sea of emotions with a few insecurities thrown in there. It's almost like I'm watching everyone step into these new phases and I feel like I'm doing the backstroke. My open minded, progressive personality can't flourish in my hometown so I fear that most of my days will be spent in darkness. Having flash backs of a "stuck" girl and it's as if my fierce, independence is sifting through my hands like sand... I had a plan. I had this idea of what my life would be and I had this picture of myself being successful at my craft, "doing lunch" with old friends occasionally... Not worrying about how I was going to pay for this or that, weekend trips to random places and maybe just maybe a love interest. I have a million books but no energy or passion to read them, getting tired of Netflixing... Doing everything I can to avoid seasonal depression but it seems to be more than seasonal lately. 
In the past year my life has been so quiet, I use to at least have a group of people to tether to, accountability partners etc but that phase of life is gone. I use to keep myself busy by planning monthly get togethers but this season is so quiet. I understand that many things in life are seasonal and that we have to keep moving. In between jobs and church homes yet I know that those things do not define me. I just need to embrace this new season but the issue is that idk what I'm embracing! I could use all the prayer in the world, currently a nomad in her feelings. I'd like to say that I have a few irons in the fire but at the moment I don't so just taking life as it is.- CDJ❤️❤️


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