I Struggle

I struggle with insecurity at times... I battle with the inner woman and question my abilities. My faith waivers, I think thoughts that I shouldn't at times and sometimes I'm a jerk. The difference between myself and many others is that I see my flaws and faults. I'm not ashamed to admit to them and I often laugh at "perfect" people because I know that they struggle too. It has to be exhausting being "Pinterest Perfect." It has to be exhausting to portray an image of perfection. Dysfunction rained supreme in my house growing up so I'm not accustomed to perfect families who've never had issues. I use to despise my dysfunction but as an adult I can connect to so many people, I am so compassionate and I can see people's emotions written on their faces. My dysfunction won't allow me to look down on people or be out of touch. My dysfunction also won't allow me to wallow in self pity or feel sorry for myself because I've had worse days, mornings and moments. I do not know what it's like to have a perfect relationship with my parents, I don't know what it's like to have dinner every night and discuss daily events. I do not know what it's like to have a  male figure to make decisions and lead in love. I know what it's like to feel isolated, I know what it feels  like to live in silence. I know what it's like to not be able to communicate what you're feeling because it may hurt the person that you're communicating with and make them feel like a bad parent or failure. I know what it's like to be a "stuffer" and hide my emotions until I explode and go off about something that seems so surface but really it's a million things that have built up.  Theres a lot of things I know and even more that I don't know but I know Jesus loves me and I know he died for me and my dysfunction. I know that he's teaching me how to trust him, I know that he has plans for me, for my future husband and he'll teach me how to walk in ways that won't lead to dysfunction. I know that Jesus doesn't make mistakes and while others walk around unfeeling and unattached to people and their issues he gave me a ministry that is birthed from my pain, my dysfunction and my hurts. He gave me the compassion, the heart and the ability to speak life. God is doing so many amazing things for me, he's already set my future up and I know that his plans are nothing short of awesome. I don't blog about "fluff" or surface level things because that's not going to help people heal. Of course some will read this and feel some type of way but what are we hiding? Who's image are you trying to protect? When you see yourself things shift, life changes and you grow. My biggest pet peeve would be surface level discussions and surface level CHRISTIANITY! There's a dying and broken world out here and you're worried about people's opinion?! They lead messy lives too! They struggle to pay their bills, they're trying to blend families, they're  battling depression, they're contemplating suicide and they're lost... But we are so worried about what people think of us or are we not worried enough? The people that are hurting may not want to come to you for fear that you can't CONNECT because your life is "PERFECT." This generation will NOT stuff things, we will not sweep emotions under the rug and pretend like it's "all good" because it's never all good.  They say we are too open and certain things don't belong on social media. I agree to an extent but sometimes a status spilling your guts is a cry for help and I see it... And if I'm not in your inbox asking what's wrong trust that I'm praying. The generation before sees social media as just "fun communication" but this is OUR way of communicating, of discussing the issues at hand and expressing ourselves. This world is going mad but all some can discuss is spaghetti sauce recipes from Pinterest. And I love Pinterest but at times it hinders our view of reality. Everything is perfect on there but falling apart in our lives. My transparency is my ministry.
️CDJ ❤️


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