Cheering On The Underdog
I'm the type of person who roots for the underdog, I get excited about people making progress and I'm quick to defend the misunderstood. Did I use to be a big fanatic of celebrities and their lives? Yes very much. When I gave my heart to Christ I was softened in the sense that I couldn't be the overly critical, self righteous, quick to judge type of person I once was and I began to not only see everyday people different but celebrities too. People tend to put celebrities on a pedestal, idolize them, make them bigger than life then act stunned when they make everyday human errors or fall far from people's "grace."
Last night my sister came in my room to tell me Krissi (Bobbi Kristina) had passed and though I'd been hopeful I expected it. My connection to Krissi may seem odd but it began a long time ago actually during Being Bobby Brown when I was a senior in high school I'd watch that train wreck of a show and constantly say she was dealt an unfair hand, poor little girl. As I watched my role model (her mother) fall over the years, the woman who set the standard for talent show songs next to Mariah, the woman who's voice and beauty was unmatched I made a personal choice not to bash or belittle her. As a singer she was a "teacher" to most of her fans who aspired to have vocal ability like that. I remember 2009, her return to music and coming home from work to watch her interview (rare that she did interviews) I was wowed like God you brought her through and I ran that cd in the ground even if her vocals weren't what they once were she was still number one in my eyes. I always say that church girls are connected and I think that's what always made me gravitate towards her and her music because I understood what it was like to love God but not want to sing gospel all the time, I understood what it was like to want to have that church girl image but want to fit in at the same time. Her flaws humanized her and in a way she seemed to be a familiar person that you might just know from everyday life. To me it wasn't an idolization thing or a desire to even be her, I just liked that she was honest and sometimes overly real about her issues. And in ways that made me think why would a celebrity want to ruin their image? A blatant cry for help and a battle she lost.
Krissi didn't respond much on Twitter except a couple times she said thanks for prayers and once thanks for watching after her and her mom appeared on Oprah. I initially followed her because I thought she was a funny, quirky tweeter who spoke her mind and even though I didn't know her I watched her spiral down. Social media can be misleading in the sense that most use it for social, surface, superficial reasons while others use it for venting, connecting and just socialization that they may not have outside of the cyber world. I remember reading the tweets everyday that first year her mom died, not a tweet where she wasn't posting about her mom or how much she missed her. Sometimes it was almost like she was anticipating being with her again and even though she didn't respond I'd simply say praying for you. I want to say around November of last year she was tweeting some really heavy, dark tweets and I simply started tweeting a few time a week: You're so loved Krissi. It actually just became a part of my routine, it felt kind of odd that I would randomly worry about this girl I'd never met! I'd randomly tell my sister, "Krissi wasn't online today, I hope she's alright." It wasn't an obsession, it was like God placed her on my heart and I would just pray for her during my daily prayer time. I did watch the Houstons reality show and I was bothered by her being enabled, by her being disoriented and I remembered she was dealt an unfair hand in life and without much guidance she was pretty much born into a life of dysfunction and destruction. Krissi did everything to self destruct after her mother died because that was her only "somebody" that she felt truly loved her. I'd read articles, tweets, post making fun of her appearance, her odd behavior and it was literally like watching an eery movie rewind itself. When they found her on January 31st I think I cried as if she were my sister, I cried like she was my cousin or a close family member because it was something I always feared would occur. Not that particular scenario but I was concerned about her spiritual well being, yes she had preachers and people who had a relationship with God around her, yes Cece Winans is her god mother and her moms best friend but in a way I started looking at my own life. Before I gave my heart to Christ I'd grown up in church, I'd been surrounded by Christians too but that didn't phase me from trying to fill my voids with things outside of Christ.
So I kind of rambled through this blog post and if you're still reading stay with me. Krissi was a soul, a person no matter how much money she was to inherit blah blah... YOU mourn for people you don't know who are victims of house fires, freak accidents, trauma via the news everyday and you pray for them. My things is why is it when someone who's famous or has money dies people say oh everyone's overreacting or they wouldn't act this way if it was an everyday person. Yet we do it everyday with "regular" people we don't know! I've been labeled odd for tweeting "You're so loved Krissi" most nights for 7 to 8 months but my reasoning behind it is deeper than what most can understand. I've battled depression, suicidal thoughts and even attempted a couple times to end my life and I think back like if someone had just hugged me, sent me an encouraging message in a tweet, a FB post, an email or text saying you're so loved then I'd have looked at life differently. Krissi will never see all the posts over the past few months I've sent to her telling her she was loved. It is my life's mission to reach out to the Krissi's of this world! It's my mission to share the gospel and the love of Christ and just practice the ministry of BEING THERE for people. Goodnight my angel, you're in a place where you know that you're loved with God and the person who loved you most. I'm not one to believe that everyone goes to heaven but I'm also not one to send everyone to hell, I wasn't with her in her last conscious moments. I do not know if she cried out to God, I know she knew who he was and that at some point in her life she was introduced to him considering she wasn't just surrounded with dysfunction but some people who were and are really rooted in Christ. Krissi and Whitney are two people I never stopped praying for, never stopped rooting for and I'm glad that they're at peace.