Internal Selfie

in·ter·nal

inˈtərnl/

 noun

plural noun: internals; noun: internal

1. 1.

   inner parts or features.

   "all the weapon's internals are well finished and highly polished"

   
   

   Tonight I want to discuss a phrase I use often (I believe I made it up LOL, either way I use it daily) and that's "Internal selfie." Now to some it might not make sense or it might not be properly worded but it's just a little "check" that I and The Lord  do daily. We live in a "selfie" age where that's what we do on a regular basis is take pictures of ourselves. One day I was writing/ praying and I started noticing some unattractive things about my character that I wanted OUT! I said God have I always been like this? Have
    I always been this critical and this judgmental of myself and others? I decided right then and there I wanted him to cleanse me of ALL unrighteousness and what did not look like him had to be eliminated DAILY! So when I pray I like to take an "inner selfie" and I ask God to show me myself so that I can see what it is he and I need to work on.
   

   I gave my life to God (seriously) when I was 23 and I had a lot of stumbling blocks. I've never been a wild person, never a party girl, a drinker or even a smoker but I was a self hating, self loathing hypocrite. I judged women that settled, I judged women who filled voids with guys only to turn around and become that woman. I was lonely so purity was the last thing on my mind. Then one day I sat down and realized who I'd become and I cried! I asked God how did I get here? Who am I and who have I become? I've seen deep depression, locked myself away, slept whenever I could to avoid dealing with MYSELF. I spent days, months sometimes a year or more walking around like a zombie and there are moments I don't even recall because I was that far gone mentally. I hid it well, I went to church on Sunday mornings, sang in the choir and masked it so I thought. Inside I was falling apart. I remember when that mask fell off at 23 and I was laying on my bedroom floor, ironically I didn't have any gospel music on my iPod but Cece Winans Alabaster Box so I hit play and immediately I hit the floor and it was like God embraced me. I wish I could say I got off that floor and walked on clouds but no the enemy fought even harder. At times I let him win by letting depression consume me, letting my emotions get to me and once again filling voids with food etc. 

   I haven't shared this with anyone but one day I had planned on attempting to take my life for a second time (I failed the first time but we know that was God) and I got a message from my cousin in Virginia and she asked me to come stay with her awhile... In that same week my sister started encouraging me to follow a lady named Heather Lindsey and I was beyond angry at God so my response was why? My sister told me that there was this lady on Facebook and Twitter selling bracelets and encouraging people, me being the stubborn and contrary person that I was started secretly reading her posts. I was so convicted that I got upset at first like who is she LOL! So I ended up buying a bracelet that said "No Randoms" and that's where my journey really began. The bracelet was more than a bracelet, it was me finally saying I wanted a change and a new outlook. So I went to Virginia and had an amazing time, I came home and everything was the same but I wasn't and I got depressed again. I wanted to move, I wanted more out of life but didn't know where to start so when my sister and best friend started talking about moving to Indy I was like NO I hate Indianapolis. Then one night while talking to God I realized that I needed to move and I needed to do so quickly! For 6 months we prayed, we cried and we trusted God then we moved. The enemy was so intent on us not moving that he literally broke my roommates car down, we had no place to live, I had no job and I spent nights on a hotel bathroom floor after moving here sobbing uncontrollably. You see I lived with my grandparents for six years after highschool because my home life was an unhappy one. I was trying to teach my mother a lesson by leaving and they ended up moving to Indianapolis in 2007 which was not a move I intended to make so I didn't. 

   So when God suggested that I move here I was like oh nooo! Then I got here and everything  was falling apart which made me question God about why he sent me here... A year later he has finally answered my question. He sent me here for growth because I was dying spiritually and mentally in Fort Wayne, I didn't have my pink room to run to when I moved here I had to face life! For the first time as an adult I had to literally be an adult and it scared me so once again I checked out. Depression is not something you can wish away, its not something that can be taken lightly it's an illness. It's an illness that I was healed completely of 6 months ago when God basically said we aren't doing this anymore get up! Now there's a myth that Christians can't be depressed and that's a lie! Depression is a liar, it makes you think that nobody loves you, it makes you isolate yourself, become withdrawn and secluded. I battled depression from the age of 11 on up and the enemy had a field day with me until 6 months ago when I went CLEAN off!  Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT

   [8] Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." And then I messed around and read Nahum 1:7 NLT

   [7] The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.

   
   

   I got up, I started fighting and it was HARD! The inner selfie came into play when I was praying and said God change me. That was all I said and I started getting tested! I started spending time with him and he's started changing me to the point where I LIKE what I see because it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the one who does the inner selfie check and shows me when I'm wrong! He corrects me because he loves me and wants me to spend eterninity with him someday so I have to follow his lead here on earth. Tonight do an inner selfie check and if you don't like what you see ask God to take it!! I'll be seeing you all soon, pray for me as I continue to trust God and his lead. 

   
   

   

   
   

   ❤️CDJ❤️