Shame and Shade Chronicles

Hello world! If you read my last post then you are up to speed on this new series. I am 29 going on 30 and at one point you could have labeled me or attempted to label me as a "church girl." That label often comes with negative views and a vast range of expectations. There is a saying that says "church girls are the worst girls." I have to weigh in on this... let me break down what a lot of church girls are like and why they are that way. One of the biggest struggles for a church girls is: SEX! From the time you come into this world and the rest of your life you are taught that PURITY is key. Yet many only associate purity with sex so we find ourselves battling. If nobody teaches you to respect your ENTIRE being before shoving "wait until you get married" down your throat then you will definitely battle with sex. 
I have written two books so nothing I say or share would cause me to feel ashamed. I was a virgin until I was 21 and nobody ever forced me, pressured me or made feel like I just had to have sex. Not even the person I gave my virginity to forced me or pressured me which is rare I guess so I do not have a negative outlook on my past experiences. I don't carry guilt from decisions I made anymore because I have learned that once God forgives that's it! We have to learn to stop carrying shame because we were NOT built to carry it. First of all you're human and humans make mistakes. Jesus died on a cross to carry the weight of sins that he knew we could not handle, the WHOLE veil was torn yet we spend our lives letting people and moments define who we are when he already HANDLED it. 
Purity is not just about sex and it should not be something that is on display or used to make people feel ashamed. Within the next month I am going to share stories from multiple women with various stories. From virgins, teen moms, divorced, single, engaged and married I plan on getting the perspective of many "church girls." I am very open minded and I like to learn about people's stories and views so I thought that even stories that may be shared privately with no names attached would be great to share! Church girls often push the limits, go a little harder in life just to prove that they aren't "green" or percieved as perfect angels. The thing is that many go the hardest and fall the hardest because they completely ignore boundaries. In life we as humans need boundaries not just with sex but with every day decisions or we will find ourselves out of control. A church girl will spend so much time trying to prove that she is not a church girl that she'll ignore being a GOOD person overall! My desire in life has always been to be a good person and religion will often teach you that it is not enough to be a good person. I have always had a hard time recieving that being a good person shouldn't be a goal. It shouldn't be the ONLY goal but being a good hearted person is crucial even in our walks with God. When we get into relationship with him we aim to look like him right? So why would we NOT focus on being good people? Purity isn't just about sex, it's about your heart and if your heart is not pure then nothing in your life will be. Purity is about your attitude, how you treat people, your perspective on friendships and relationships. Scripture tells us in Matthew 5:8 "God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God."  I don't think that you can boast about being a virgin or your "body count" when you are prideful, mean, judgmental or rude towards people. I don't think that you can treat people with disrespect and bypass common courtesy because you disagree with their lifestyle or choices. 
Being pure goes so much further than sex! Sex is probably barely a quarter of it... If you are a toxic person then naturally you will infect everything you touch whether you are sexually active or not. There is an emphasis in the church put on sexual purity but can we please start teaching people how to first focus on having pure hearts? We can sit around all day bashing and beating people over the heads all day about clothing, who they are sleeping with and personal convictions (which are usually not sins) or we can start loving people where they are. Nobody wants to sit and be shamed for every mistake that they make in human error. And nobody wants to feel like they are "bad" all day because they made a different choice than YOU! The first thing that has to be eliminated is self righteousness and this idea that God only loves certain people. NO! He loves all of US and if we were created in his image that should tell you that he did not have one specific way that he thought people should look, he didn't give us all ONE personality or gift to share either. We find ourselves creating a uniform that we want everyone in the body of Christ to wear, we force our opinions on others and when they question us or disagree we automatically categorize them as wrong. You can't always be right... A lot of us have gotten it wrong so it is time to shatter the myth that church girls are these perfect creatures and that when they fall from grace they should be stoned. Don't you ever put me on a platform, tell me where I come from (I am aware) or who's child or grandchild I am because my rebuttal will be "AND they love me regardless!" I won't be shamed or made to fit into a box or a cookie cutter image that people have conjured up in their heads. Over the next month I want to get the input of women who have not only been hurt, shamed or felt silenced but those who have good experiences, healthy relationships with God and people. This is a safe haven and if you have to email me and ask me to post anonymously  I WILL do that for you. Hope to talk to you all soon!- CDJ


  1. Ciara,
    I love this blog. Thanknypu for keeping it real about "Church Girls" and the overall body of Christ. I'll be promoting your blog on Twitter.


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