Struggles of a Church Girl

It all started when I was about 12 or 13  around 6th grade, I was a preteen but still playing with Barbies. Yes I said Barbies! My mother was strict so all I could really do was go to my cousins or grandparents and I couldn't do much of anything! Oh yeah I had to go to church on Wednesday nights and Sunday morning and I couldn't be late. My mom would spank me if I didn't get up for church on Sunday and I was forced to be around people I could read through and I hated it. 
My mother didn't listen and she wanted to seem perfect in the eyes of people. Her and my father fought like dogs everyday it seemed so I didn't understand why she acted like that and in my eyes she was mean. I was afraid to talk to my mom about personal things because I felt I would be judged since she lived and breathed church. She wanted so badly for me to be her  little girl forever.
 So I met this girl in middle school who was a bad influence but I loved her because she was bad ass and she was fun! In the long run it ruined me and to this day I still struggle. My mom once caught me on the phone gossiping about ppl and she was very upset but I didn't know it was bad thing because I got taught other sins were worse such as being disrespectful to your parents and you'll go to hell! Or drinking and smoking and I can go on and on. 
I never knew that spirits can transfer from one to the next because I didn't get taught that or I don't remember being taught that. My mom disliked my friend and I thought my mom was being strict like always so it made me rebel more. It was like a drug and I was a afraid to come to my mom about things because I didn't know how she'd react! She had set the tone that I would get a whooping or grounded for rebellious behavior. So many times when going to my friend's house and seeing how close she was with her mom it made me jealous because I couldn't be open with mine so I began to shut her out. Every time I wanted to talk she would bring up bible verses and act as if you're saved nothing bad will ever happen to you. I was 12 and I just wanted to be a kid! 
Let's skip to 8th grade year when I lost my virginity and was also bullied and I wondered where was God when I almost got jumped by females almost everyday? Why didn't my mom tell me about who to trust or not to trust? She gave me a packet explained STDS and told me to read them. My mom never really gave me a chance because she already thought I was a fast little girl and she was the one made me feel like a hoe more than anyone else ever had. So I'm going to be real I hated my mom and the older I got the more I hated her! I hated being in church all the time so I rebelled more because that's what she thought of me as was a little, fast girl. She didn't know I lost my virginity but she suspected things. I wanted to tell her so bad because I hated myself for losing it and I couldn't tell her because I didn't want to be locked in a house or always sitting by her in church. So I kept that guilt in for years, struggling with who I was because I needed my mom, not the church lady! 
Now let me skip to 16 when I got caught messing with an usher's grandson and she told my mom everything and also told people in the church. The moment when my mom found out I wasn't a virgin was the day I closed her out and I was being bullied in high school while not being trusted at home! It felt like the worst thing... let's go back to the night when my mom found out I'd lost my virginity. We were at my grandparents and she read my text messages in front of everyone, they were very vulgar. I felt like crap! I never thought my mom could treat me so evil! She told me you embarrassed me in front of the church so I had to embarrass you. My heart dropped because I thought she loved me and wouldn't judge me or care what people would say but she really put on this image in church as if she was perfect but was mean bitter. That night I cut myself because I wanted to die. No one liked me at school and I felt like my mother didn't either because what mother would do something like that? I didn't get a private talk,  she said it all in front of my uncles, grandparents and aunts. That day I was so heartbroken, the older I got the worse our relationship became. I barely talked her, I would do drugs, drink and sneak out. That same year I got so drunk I didn't remember and I was at a party but I just wanted to be liked for once, not known as the church girl. I finally told my mom how much I hate church and why I don't I felt judged, I was 16, people talked about me and my mom didn't take my side. 
The ladies at church didn't want their daughters around me because they said I was a bad influence. I was hurt and I got hurt by people who claimed they loved god but were evil and gossiped about me . Now as an adult I have a daughter and I will always give her the option of whether she wants to go or not. I will let her choose.- Anonymously Submitted  


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